In the sub-basement of Trader Joe’s corporate headquarters, I assume there’s an evil scientist waving their hands around one of those electrified balls that make your hair stand up, but inside the ball is a head of radioactive cauliflower. The scientist is cackling maniacally, shrieking, I’VE DONE IT! I’VE DONE IT THIS TIME!! And an assistant in a Hawaiian-print shirt rolls his eyes and is like, what. And the scientist is like, CAULIFLOWER CRACKERSSSSSSSSSS.

And here we are. Trader Joe’s latest offerings include cauliflower crackers, yep, and multiple varieties of cheese: puffy, sauce-y, puddly, and firm. Those and more new products reviewed below, from my own personal sub-basement.

(Read last month’s reviews)

Brown Things

85 Percent Ugandan Dark Chocolate
This is the chocolate bar I picture when celebrities say they have “one square of dark chocolate” as dessert, maybe the most annoying dessert of all time. HAVE YOU HEARD OF CAKE. It never ceases to disappoint. Celebrities: constantly disappointing. Oh the chocolate, it’s bitter, but still silky and rich. It breaks into shards sharp enough to clean the grime under your fingernails, though that might make them even dirtier.

Organic Dark Chocolate Covered Whole Cocoa Beans
These are also intensely bitter, but crunchy—so that’s fun. If you’re the person who likes just one square of chocolate because you read too many tabloids in the checkout aisle, you’ll love these. And who am I to question the whims of man?

Instant Cold Brew
Summon the memory of lukewarm rental car lobby coffee, left in a paper cup overnight, and know that this is worse than that.

Exciting Crackers

Red Chili Scalloped Crackers
“We will be buying these for the rest of our lives,” said my domestic partner, who this company has finally granted permission to be on my health insurance. And I say this without exaggeration: these are Trader Joe’s BEST crackers. The chile brings a hint of pizza Goldfish, they’re flaky yet sturdy, and they would never, ever refuse to concede an election.